jobless

I had an internal exam today, and the doctor told me that I still had to walk a lot more often. My baby isn't breech but her head is still too far from my pelvis so walking will help make it go downwards. it is related to the gravity thing, i cant explain more about it.
My pregnancy has reached its 38th week and one day, so there is around one or two more weeks of waiting. Hopefully ill be on labour sometime next week, coz i honestly cant wait to dress my baby girl, :-)
Anyways, staying home and not working for more than a week have really made me extremely lazy. I sleep, I nap, I eat, and I relax haha.. Starting to get bored though, but it is okay. Things will change soon; I will have no time doing nothing since I will have a lot to do in one day.

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DIARI HIKMATUL-(Ukhuwwah Fillah Abadan Abada)

         Hikmatul membelek mesej yang diterima …  Panjang untaian kata-kata yang dihantar khusus untuk dirinya.. Sambil tersenyum, tidak tersedar air matanya menitis.. Hati merasa haru dan pilu, betapa dirinya tidak selayaknya dipersonifikasikan sedimikian rupa.. 
         
         Betapa terlalu banyak kekurangan dan kelemahan diri, tetapi masih ada insan yang menganggapnya terlalu istimewa dan menghargai dirinya.. Lalu Hikmatul ingin mengabadikannya di dalam ‘DIARI HIKMATUL', biar tersemat kukuh di jiwa menjadi tatapan dan kenangan ukhuwwah yang terindah dalam hidup ini…

Dari Ukhti Tersayang:

(Mesej 1)

Adikku,

Pernah dahulu diriku memikirkan

Apakah hidupku akan menemui kebahagiaan

Setelah mengalami banyak penderitaan…

Namun,

Setelah ku temui dirimu

Baru ku tahu kau hadir

Mengembalikan kekuatan

Sebagai pengubat ketika duka

Sebagai teman ketika sepi

Dan sebagai pendorong utk berjaya…

Adikku,

Wajahmu ku lihat wajah kemurniaan

Matamu ku lihat cahaya kejujuran

Tutur katamu ku dengar alunan keikhlasan

Moga ia adalah anyaman dari sebuah ikatan

Tulus ikhlas kerana Ar-Rahman…

Dalam meniti kembara ini

berdoalah agar kita berjaya

dalam mengorak langkah bersama

berteman janji yg ingin dikata

dalam mencari sebuah kejayaan

semoga Allah memberkatinya…

Terima kasih atas segalanya

Dan yang pasti

Engkaulah yang teristimewa…

  

(Mesej 2)

Adikku,

Kau adalah titisan embun pagi

Yang jatuh membasahi kegersanan hati

Hingga mampu menyuburkan

seluruh taman sanubari dalam kesejukan…

Kau adalah bintang gemintang

Menyinari malam di angkasa raya

Yg menemani diriku kesendirian

Bagai rembulan yang berduka

Hingga mampu menerangi gulita semesta alam...

Adikku,

Kau bagaikan pokok rendang

Dengan dahan yang memayungi

Dari panas teriknya sang mentari

Hingga mampu memberi keteduhan dn kedamaian…

Kau diibaratkan kumpulan mata air

Dari telaga suci yang jernih mengalir tanpa henti

Hingga mampu menghapuskan

Rasa panas dan membara amarah diri ini…

Adikku,

kau adalah lebatnya hujan turun

menyirami setiap jengkal bumi yg berdebu

hingga mampu membersihkan

mahkota bunga dan dedaun dalam kesucian…

Dan kau adalah untaian intan permata

yang berkilau indah sebagai anugerah tiada tara

hingga mampu menebar pesona jiwa dalam keindahan…

(Mesej 3)

Adikku sayang,

biar sebutan tak seindah bicara

biar laku tak seindah bicara

namun tetapku rasa keistimewaanmu…

Dik!

Walau tak setulen darah

Walau tidak mesra

Walau jarang bersua muka

Engkaulah yang paling istimewa…

  

Seringkali kita saling terasa

Biar jarang bertegur sapa

Namun hatiku selalu merasa

Betapa kasihmu membajai usaha…

Akan ku paut seluruh katamu

Kujadikan mutiara keinsafan

Agar bergegar seluruh alam

Betapa utuhnya ukhwah kita

Dan tidak akan ia terhenti

Melainkan kita telah pergi..

Adikku!

Izinkan kuukir panggilan indah itu

Biar ia tersimpan indah

Bersama bungaan di gugusan

Sungguh dirimu kusayangi

Sampai penghujung kehidupan akan kuselami…

*salam sayang bersulam ukhuwwah*

Dari Adikmu yang disayangi:

Ukhti,

Betapa hati merasa haru dan pilu

Sambil tersenyum tidak tersedar

Air jernih bertakung di kolam mataku

Apabila diri menatap

Tiap bait kata yang kau hulurkan buatku

Daku tertanya-tanya pada diri,

Apakah ku layak untuk metafora seperti itu ukhti??

Sedang diri sangat jauh dari personifikasi

yang kau gubah untuk diriku yang hina ini…

Ukhti…

Kasihmu harum mewangi

Sayangmu tulus suci

Dirimu tiada galang ganti

Untaian doa dan syukur kupanjatkan kepada Ilahi

Kerana menghadirkan kau dalam hidupku ini…

Sesungguhnya…

Engkau datang menghulur tangan

memberi tanda kasih sayang Tuhan

Yang datang mengingatkan daku

tika ku jauh dari Sang Pencipta

yang datang memberi peringatan dan nasihat

agar daku tidak lalai dan alpa

yang menjadikan daku semakin yakin kpd Sang Pencipta…

Ku merasa syukur padaMu Tuhan

Kerana memberi kita peluang

Untuk merasai manisnya ukhwah yang didasari

Dengan keikhlasan dan ketulusan iman

Kerana tanpa dirinya

Sepilah aku dari kasihMu

butalah daku dari mengenal cintaMu

Kosonglah hidupku dari gelak tawa dan tangisannya

Yang membuatkan daku semakin

rindu untuk bertemu denganMu…

Ukhtiku tersayang,

Jangan dipikul daku sebagai beban di bahumu

Nanti engkau akan merasa letih dan lelah

Tetapi berjalanlah seiring denganku

Agar kita sama-sama berpimpin tangan

Mencari kasih dan redha Tuhan…

Ukhti…

terima kasih kerana sudi

menyayangi dan menghargai diri ini

Kan ku pegang segala kata-katamu

Dan ku sematkan kukuh di jiwaku

Takkan sesekali ku lupakan

Segala pesanan dan nasihat

yang kau titipkan padaku

Moga menjadi penguat iman di hati

Moga menjadikan daku semakin dekat dengan Ilahi…

Ya Allah,

Engkau telah temukan daku dengan teman sejati

Maka teguhkanlah ikatan antara kami

Seperti kasihnya para sahabat kepada Nabi…

Ya Hannan,

Tiap yang hidup pasti akan merasa mati

Tiada yang kekal melainkan Engkau yang Abadi

Andai bepisah mati kami di dunia

Tiada yang ku pinta darimu Ilahi

Temukan kami semula di pintu syurga

Agar hubungan kami akan kekal bahagia

Buat selama-lamanya di sana..

Amin ya Rabb..!

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I WILL MISS THAT COMFORT ZONE

Where do i begin?

I finished my contract two days ago. i didn't feel anything odd until i was done with my last class at that time. Most didn't know it was my last day.

I went back to the staff room, started cleaning up my desk, and had a quick chat with a few other colleagues who were still waiting for their last classes too. We hugged, we said gooodbye and good luck..that sort of thing. eventually when i was left alone in the staff room, there's this instant sadness then a few teardrops ran down my cheeks. i knew i was going to miss that place

Tmelania

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LOVE

When one has fallen.

One's body trembles.

Bones weaken.

Butterflies wander around in one's stomach. 

It's inevitable.

One suddenly finds it hard to control one's breathing and heartbeat.

Anxiety blocks the mind from the surroundings or reality.

Logic no longer plays a big part.

What matters is sort of blurry. 

Words don't have much of a significant meaning. 

How those words transforms into actions means more.

One may not utter it, or say it. 

One doesn't need to use certain languages to let the inside appear on the outside. 

The look.

The way one giggles, gazes, touches, or simply pats.

When one's fallen, selfishness is one of the things that slowly fades and stupidity is one of the things that is shown more. 

When one's fallen, it's something to thank for.

Negativity starts to disappear little by little.

Life can be much more colorful when one's fallen. 

There may be imperfection, but hey that is one of so many things that make life more worthy to live in.

Tmelania

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a perfect-wanna-be self

What is it that you feel for us?

Nothing, isn't it? We just happen to be some people you got acquainted to. We are not even blood related.

You tell us you care, but it's not compassion that you truly keep for us. It is control. You want to be in control of all of us. Until a lot of times when things don't go your way, you start making up imaginary things so that your position will always be safe.

You are the right one, there has never been anyone else.

We and others, are often wrong in your eyes.

What we say, what we wear, what we think, how we do things.. Every little thing should be on the same track with you. We must follow the path you have taken.

It's not because you care about me, or everyone surrounding me. It is more like you want to be paid back. Want to get paid back for all the good things you did in the past.

What is it that you have been hiding all along?

Your fear of losing what you've got for people who aren't naturally related to you.

What causes you to be heartless? Jealousy.

Who do you think we are to you?

Strangers you meet by accident?

I am sure God doesn't let you have what you have always longed for for so many years.

Why? because He cant put trust in you.

So how can we trust you when most of the words coming out of your mouth turn out to be lies?

Tmelania

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Freedom from the Forbidden - a poem

I shared this on my other blog once, but I think it's more relevant for this blog. So here I go.
Peace.

Freedom from the Forbidden


There’s this knot in my chest,
A voice in my head,
Telling me to abandon all traditions
To speak the truth, to seek the truth
To cross every imaginary boundary ever drawn
To break the wall between divine guidelines and man-made laws
To make it known that I have risen to the glory I owe myself

What—was it not so they could control my sexuality?
Limit my mobility and silence my voice?
Forbid me natural inclinations?
Deny me what’s permitted to man, whom they’ve deemed my lord
In history’s slanted pages, in invisible ink
I understand it now
Because I have risen to the glory I owe myself

That’s why they once asked themselves if I was a human, like man.
That’s why God is a “He”– but they tell us “He” has no gender!
That’s why I’m circumcised, and my feet are bound!
That’s why I look pretty only when I’m thin!
And why polygyny is a man’s right but polyandry a sin!
That’s why I need the permission of a man to marry my Beloved!
That’s why I can’t marry but a Muslim man
That’s why Triple Talaq is for men only – but they tell us divorce is a big deal!
That’s why I must cover my hair, lest I wish to be raped!
That’s why they say God is the head of man, man the head of woman!
That’s why the jurists termed the dower “price of the vulva”!
Hear me out once:
The fine line between divine guidelines and man-made laws no longer exists!
They tell us women must have no desires, no fantasies!
What—do they think me a doll?
Must I describe what I feel upon seeing my Beloved?
Because I can do today what I was forbidden yesterday
Since now, I have risen to the glory I owe myself

For how much longer must I let them define my womanhood for me?
Why must I let them tell me what it means to be natural,
What it means to be woman?
Heaven lies beneath the mother’s feet, they tell us
Not beneath the woman’s feet.
What—Is this meant to be a privilege?
Should I be grateful?
No – It is there just to silence me.
But this centuries-old silence has deafened me!
And I have finally risen to the glory I owe myself

The infinite well of silence has finally dried up!
I was deaf and mute before
But I am living now, and I will live forever
I am eternal.
And I have risen to the glory I owe myself
~ Me
~ Jan. 5^th 2010

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horrible horrible teenagers

Oh dear, this noon I had a class filled with the laziest students in the universe. I could understand their excuse for being extremely not in the mood because of the test week they're having. But today is Friday, so hello kids you dont need to go to school tomorrow and needn't have to deal with schoolwork for the next two days.
They seemed to be having trouble concentrating. They might have had a problem with their hearing too I guess. Or perhaps they were just being so pathetic!
One boy came to class moaning about his phone that had been taken by a school teacher today. So he kept grumbling and grumbling and looking pitiful and so on. He refused to do anything and stayed silent after being told to shut up though. A girl kept browsing through her mobile to get the most update information on the tsunami in Japan, I was okay with it. But hey, it was for nearly eighty minutes during class. Another girl wouldn't say a word of English even though she joins a bilingual class. So pathetic.
But the worst was when they came up with a number of illogical excuses for not wanting to complete a task i gave them just because they were too lazy to think or even try. So i told them they would have to complete four pages of the book, and they did.
I was like, so what's the point of you guys coming here? You could have just stayed home, finished the book yourselves, and not bothered me planning a lesson. useless..

The good thing was I was so good at hiding my emotion. I just ignored them. Didn't take their actions personally or else I would've got hurt.
they are only teens, sometimes they dont think before doing anything even though they were born with brains.
Ignoring people like that can be the best thing to whenever i get too tired of being upset :-)

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